Day 3- Up to the Mountain...err I mean Canyon

"Sometimes I feel like I ain't never been nothing but tired.
But I'll keep walking til the day I expire.
Sometimes I lay down, no more can I do,
But then I go on again because you ask me to.

Some days I look down, afraid I will fall.
And though the sun shines, I see nothing at all.
But then I hear your sweet voice, oh come in then go.
Telling me softly, that you love me so.

The peaceful valley up over the mountain,
The peaceful valley that few come to know.
I may never get there ever in this lifetime,
But sooner or later, it's there I will go."

-Patty Griffin

I've decided that, in every place I stay along this trip, I'm leaving behind little notes in secret places for the next traveller. This note is from Mesa, AZ- Day #2.  

One of the most essential items for traveling solo in the desert is spray-on sunblock... for all those hard to reach places on your back and shoulders that would normally turn a beautiful shade of red if left unattended.  Thank you Trader Joe's for your SPF 50 brand.

I love staying at this hostel in Flagstaff.  I would definitely recommend it!    I just had breakfast with a Bavarian, a Russian, a Frenchman, a Brazilian, and a Dane. We ate oatmeal while discussing US politics. This is why I love staying at hostels while traveling! I must say that my French is quite rusty... and everyone at the table could speak at least 3 language fluently. Shame shame on me.

So traveling to the Grand Canyon was #1 on my list today.  Well, I actually don't have a list.  The only thing I know for sure on this trip is where I'll be sleeping each night.  Every day is a blank page and I'm loving the freedom!  So anywho, these are some of the beautiful mountains outside of Flagstaff on the way to the Grand Canyon.

Little Arizona Kitsch gas stations along the way.  Super friendly folk at every one. 

One of my favorite parts of today because I laughed out loud when I saw this.  Found this gem in a gas station restroom outside of Flagstaff. The varieties include: "Warm Encounters," "Evening Magic," and "Fantasy Reloaded 6." I wonder what the first 5 Fantasy Reloadeds were like... Not sure how much stock I would put in 75 cent condoms along the highway.

When traveling westward toward the East Entrance of the Grand Canyon on Rt 64, you will happen on this smaller canyon.  Don't be fooled like I was.  It was beautiful... but the real good stuff lays ahead.  I think this is called the Little Colorado River.

Almost there!  Rt 64... I can feel the canyon getting closer and closer! 

Finally!  The Grand Canyon in all of its splendor!  I have no words for this beauty, so I will let the pictures speak for themselves again.  It's rare that I'm rendered speechless.

This was a special moment.  I didn't play my mandolin here, but I did listen to Patty Griffin's "Up to the Mountain" on my iPod while sitting on the edge.  I was choked up.  I'm sure the other tourists though I was a nutball.  But whatever.  I bet they didn't cry at the beauty :)  I figure that Patty's song (based on the speech by MLK Jr.) would suffice for the Grand Canyon... even though I was on a rim and not on a mountain top.  Check it out here:  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WA6Q5-Ap3o8

A lovely couple and I decided to trade picture-taking duties. Probably the only picture of my whole trip that won't be a self-portrait head-shot thingy. 

So now I'm back in Flagstaff and plan on grabbing some dinner and maybe meeting up with some of the other travelers that I have met here.  I hope you all had a great Monday at work!!!  Muwahahahahahahahaha.  Stay posted for the next part of the adventure!

Day 2- A Horse With No Name

"On the first part of the journey 

I was looking at all the life 

There were plants and birds and rocks and things 

There was sand and hills and rings 

The first thing I met was a fly with a buzz 

And the sky with no clouds 

The heat was hot and the ground was dry 

But the air was full of sound 

I've been through the desert on a horse with no name 

It felt good to be out of the rain 

In the desert you can remember your name 

'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain ."

-America

I guess I should start this story from the beginning.  I left Phoenix bright and early this morning and headed toward Tortilla Flats and Apache Junction.  As I was driving, the Superstition Mountains started springing into view.  And as they did, the song "A Horse with No Name" by America came on the radio.  My first visceral experience of the day.  

One of the first experiences that I wanted to check off of my list was to see a real, live cactus up close and personal.  Done!  I also got my first cactus prick today as I was walking around the desert.  

These are the gorgeous Superstition Mountains.  Apparently, someone buried treasure in these hills and it is reportedly still there today.  I was really freaking hot outside, so I didn't go looking for it.  Maybe next time.  

Also, there were these warning signs all over the hiking areas... so no seeking out the lost treasure for me.  I'm simultaneously adjusting to the time change, altitude change, and critter change.  My mom would be happy to know that I'm carrying Benadryl in my backpack.  

On the Apache Trail, I stopped at this cute little rest area that was a preserved ghost town.  Pioneers had the right idea with sustainable wind energy!  But not with wiping out the American Indians.

My Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman fantasies have come true!  Now if only I could find a Sully on my trip out here.  

This evoked the memory of playing with the Wolf Jaw Gypsies in Plattsburgh, NY:

"The gallows are high and eternity near.
She stands in the crowd and sheds not a tear.
Sometimes at night when the cold winds moan
In a long black veil, she cries o'er my bones.
She walks these hills in a long black veil.
She visits my grave when the night winds wail.
Nobody knows.  Nobody sees. Nobody knows but me."

I jumped over the "Do Not Cross" cable and climbed to the top of this.  I can't believe that this was actually used to hang someone.  

No, Mom, I did not end up in jail for trespassing on the gallows.  

So after traveling 20 or so miles along the windiest road that I have ever driven on (and no shoulder for most of the time), I stumbled upon this lake.  I believe it's called Canyon Lake?  I can't believe this is how I got to spend my morning!  Totally unexpected.  Visceral experience #2 of the day.  I remember seeing this and thinking, "There's nothing that I will see today that will be prettier than this..."

Fast forward to this afternoon.  Oh. Wow.  I randomly decided to take a little detour from Rt 17 on my way from Tortilla Flats to Flagstaff in order to drive through Sedona.  I had NO CLUE that I would happen among the Red Rocks on my way.  I choked on my own breath when these came into view.  And then I cried a little.  How can anything this beautiful exist?  How does that happen?  How could I have gone 27 years of my life without seeing this?!?  How can I not travel all over the world and get to see things like this on a regular basis?!?!?  Now I know why Jer wanted to bring me out here all of these years.  I should have listened to him sooner.  This was the most astounding scenery that I have ever laid my blue eyes on.  Sedona is my new favorite place on this Earth.

One thing about traveling solo is that you get really good at taking self-portraits.  This is me, a happy little snowbird, in front of some of the Red Rocks.  

Another picture of me in front of some of the Red Rocks.

I have no words for the rest of these pictures.  Visceral experience overload.  I hope they can speak for themselves.

I'm a big fan of cacti now.  

After spending hours and hours and hours driving and stopping and driving and stopping through the Red Rocks, I happened upon this gem.  I believe it's called the Red Rock Canyon.  All I know is that it's really high (6,000 ft in elevation?) and really beautiful.  I had no clue that Arizona would be so green and have so many trees.

This is a picture of the switchbacks that I had to drive to get up to the canyon.  I'm so glad I let the Alamo Rent-a-Car dude talk me into going to the next size up in cars (I was in a dinky 2 door that was much like my Hyundai Accent... aka- no power or oomph).  I'm positive that I will continue to appreciate the upgrade when I drive through the Rockies.

So after those adventures, I continued to drive the scenic route up to Flagstaff.  I'm staying the Grand Canyon Hostel for two nights.  Everyone here is super friendly!  I've made some new friends from France and from Macedonia.  The guy at the front desk recommended a delicious place for dinner.  And I have plans to jam out with one of the accordion players that is staying here as well.  

Mostly, I am so grateful for this experience.  I'm grateful that my foot has healed so that I can walk along the edge of the Grand Canyon.  I'm grateful that I have a job that I love so I can pay for this trip.  I'm grateful to have friends who have guided me as I planned my journey.  I'm grateful for the new friends that I am making.  I'm grateful that I can look upon such beauty.  I'm grateful that I feel no shame in crying at such beauty.

I'm grateful for all of the joy and heartache and pain and loss and happiness that has brought me to such a place at such a time.  I miss all of you back home!  I'm carrying you in my heart as I go on this quest.  

Day 1- I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go,

I'm standing here outside your door,

I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.

But the dawn is breaking, It's early morn

The taxi's waiting, He's blowing his horn

Already I'm so lonesome I could die.

So kiss me and smile for me,

Tell me that you'll wait for me,

Hold me like you'll never let me go.

Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane

I don't know when I'll be back again,

Oh babe, I hate to go."

-John Denver

Even though today was primarily a travel day, it was still superb!

I made it to Bradley in plenty of time for my flight. I was amazed that I got through my check-in and security under 20 minutes! My first flight was from Hartford to Cleveland.

Traveling around with my mando definitely has perks! It’s a great conversation starter and I met a violinist who was traveling to Phoenix as well.

I also got bumped up to a first class seat for the flight from Cleveland to Phoenix. Holy moly! What a bougie (but amazingly awesome) way to travel!!! I had no idea of what to expect. I was the first on the plane. I had a ginger ale in my hand before take-off. I had a hot towel delivered to me during the beginning of the flight, along with free beer and hot salted almonds. Then they brought out a penne pasta dish with salad, fresh fruit, a roll and a choice of Cabernet or Pino Grigio. This was followed by a free hot chocolate chip cookie. And I got to watch the movie ET and Seinfeld the whole trip! Did I mention everything was free?!?!?!? First class even has its own bathroom. I did feel uncomfortable as everyone else was walking by me to load the plane. I’m still more at ease in a working class dive bar than sitting in a first class seat on a plane.

So I’ve landed in Phoenix and am spending the night in Mesa. Not sure what adventures I have in store for me tomorrow. Below are some of my favorite pictures from the flight, including the clouds that I flew through on my way to Cleveland.

One of my favorite parts of flying is looking down on the earth. On this trip, I flew over miles and miles of flat, beautiful farmland that looked like patches on a quilt. Flying always reminds me of how big this world is and how small I am. It amazes me that I willing climb into a hunk of metal that shoots me through the atmosphere at a really fast speed. I have this urge to climb out the window and bounce around all of the clouds in the sky. My favorite mind-blowing-flying-through-the-sky song to listen to during this trip has been “Global A Go-Go” by Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros.

Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=Kx9fCxwyVws

I hope everyone had a lovely Saturday. All of the folks that I’ve met in Phoenix so far have been really tan, blond, and super friendly. I hope to meet some more characters on my trip!

 Rainy and chilly in Hartford, CT

Free beer and nuts in 1st class?  Yes please!

One of my favorite pictures.  Flying through the clouds between Hartford and Cleveland.

Free food and wine.  I feel spoiled.

Women Who Run With Wolves

One of my favorite nights in recent memory started off with a thunderous rainstorm.  I was downstairs playing some mando and my roommate knocked on the window and beckoned me outside.  We must have danced in the rain for a good hour.  I’ve always believed that rain has the capacity to wash away our worries.  And there’s a child-like abandon that accompanies jumping around in puddles and spinning in circles as giant raindrops trickle down your upturned face. 

Then, I went right from dancing in the rain to playing an open mic with one of my friends.  I haven’t played on stage in front of people in years!  I forgot how much the monster inside of me feeds off of that energy.  The wild wolf woman has been awakened!

Recently, I have settled on my idea of what a good fit for a future partner would be:  Someone that I can run with in all of my glory.  Someone who can stand back from me, see me in all of my pain and beauty and love and joy, and look on me in awe.  I need a wolf-runner.  My friend recommended that I read “Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype.”  I have just started the book, so I don’t have much in terms of commentary yet.  However, I do enjoy how the concept of “wild” is not defined as “crazy” or “irresponsible;” It represents an attunement to nature and freedom and individuality.

To me, being a wild woman means crying openly without fear of being called weak.  It means loving deeply without fear of being called soft.  It means paving my own path in life without fear of being called crazy or irresponsible.  It means laughing and loving and swearing and drinking and making music and making love and dancing and having babies and growing old and gardening and making mistakes and singing and taking care of those whom I love…

It also strikes me that there are very few wild women out there to serve as a role model for me.  This society has marginalized women who run with wolves to the brink of extinction!  Where is reverence for strong women?  As I try to navigate my divorce and my resurgence in music and my feelings of love toward others and my career and my travel adventures, I find myself seeking out the strong women in my life.  The landscape over the last 6 months is all new territory for me.  And it’s scary.  And I’m blessed for the women (and the men) in my life who help me up when I stumble.  

A favorite song of mine, by the lovely First Aid Kit, goes like this:

http://youtu.be/UsP2-HwdpOk

Wolf mother, where you been?

You look so worn, so thin

You're a taker, devil's maker

Let me hear you sing, hey ya hey ya

Wolf father, at the door

You don't smile anymore

You're a drifter, shapeshifter

Let me see you run, hey ya hey ya

Holy light, oh, burn the night, oh keep the spirits strong

Watch it grow, child of wolf

Keep holdin' on

When I run through the deep dark forest long after this begun

Where the sun would set, trees were dead and the rivers were none

And I hope for a trace to lead me back home from this place

But there was no sound, there was only me and my disgrace

Wayward winds, the voice that sings of a forgotten land

See it fall, child of wolf

Lend a mending hand

When I run through the deep dark forest long after this begun

Where the sun would set, trees were dead and the rivers were none

And I hope for a trace to lead me back home from this place

But there was no sound, there was only me and my disgrace

Hey, Hey-Hey, Hey, Hey

Hey, Hey-Hey, Hey, Hey

Hey, Hey-Hey, Hey, Hey

Hey, Hey-Hey, Hey, Ya.

Finding Home in an Old Folk Song

Another month has passed, and with it has come a plethora of love and joy and excitement about where the winds of my life are bringing me next.  Toward the beginning of the month, I was struck down by the realization that the best years of my life lay ahead of me.  And that realization has fueled my desire to continue with my year-long (and life-long) quest of living wide open.  Again, I amaze myself about how much love I have to give to others.  It just pours and pours and pours and pours and pours and pours and pours out of me, whether I mean it to or not- I have this bottomless well of love to give.  I seriously can’t put a damper on it.  It’s definitely my double-edged sword.  Part of my work is learning how to honor my love for others while also honoring all of the other feelings that come with the territory of putting my heart out in the world.

I’ve also had a huge resurgence in playing music.  In talking with a friend about how music has shaped my life, I realized that, since I was a baby, I have not lived a day without music.  I sang myself to
sleep when I was 6 months old.  I tinkered around on a little piano when I was 2.  I sang in my dad’s band at the age of 4.  I was always in chorus and music projects and bell choir and band and piano lessons growing up.  I’ve played in several bands in college and in my 20s. And, sadly, for the past 3 years or so, I have not been playing or creating music.  Having music back in my life in such an intense way makes me realize how much creating music makes me walk taller, love myself more, be more risky, put myself out into the world, shine my inner sunshine, and give and receive energy from others.  Singing and playing is the one thing that I could do all day and all night and never feel exhausted.

June is going to be a jam-packed awesome month.  I will be gone the first two weeks on a Soul Journey in Arizona, Utah, and Colorado. Then, I’m returning to western mass to help 21 adorable kids co-create
a rock-opera during a 2-week long summer camp.  And then I start teaching in the MSW program.  And then I’m applying and studying for the national LICSW exam in my last (and final) level of social work licensing.  Whew!  Thanks to all of my friends and family who have been so supportive of me and who have given me space to live and breathe and be creative and be Snowy.

And, as always, I leave you with one of my favorite songs.  The lovely and obscure and talented Devendra Banhart wrote this:

“It’s a sight to behold when you got small words to mold and you can

make ‘em your own

Still love, it would be much better.  Love, it would be much better I’m told

It’s like golden corn and I love its golden glow.

It’s the little head inside your little hole and out springs some

sparkling thoughts.

Still love, it would be much better.  Love, it would be much better.

Love, it would be much better.  Love, it would be much better.

It’s like finding home in an old folk song, which you’ve never ever

heard, still you know every word

And, for sure, you can sing along.

But love, it would be much better.  Love, it would be much better.

Love, it would be much better.  Love, it would be much better.  I

know.  I know.”

Landslide

I refuse to wrap myself in "Caution" tape and lock my heart away.  In reflecting upon the last several months and all of the heartbreak and soul-shattering pain that has bombarded me, I am baffled that my heart is actually more full and more open to giving and accepting love than ever before.  How does that happen?  I know that my self-love is filling up my veins more than ever and that has kept me alive and breathing.  I also have realized that experiencing your heart shattering gives you the opportunity to learn how to put those pieces together for yourself which, in turn, let's you see the most beautiful and the darkest parts of yourself.  I have been given the gift of knowing myself through and through.  And the most astounding realization is that I have so much love to give- it's infinite.  Sure, I have fears and doubts and moments where my breath hitches in my chest and the wound tears.  But between those moments, I have a warm sun inside of me that radiates out.  And, as my good friend says, my sun shines the brightest and the warmest during those difficult moments.

Any semi-decent therapist will tell you that, in order to survive great loss, you must chew your way through all of the tough feelings- the pain, the anger, the sadness, the uncertainty, the denial... If you side-step these feelings, you will be facing them again later in life.  The only way that I have learned how to do this is to hold myself with a gentle, unwavering positive regard as I try to walk gently through the changing landscape of my life and my love.

As is tradition, I would like to include one of my favorite songs in this post.  The beautiful Stevie Nicks sang these words and I have listened to them for many years.  Now, when listening to this song, I am amazed at how the meaning has transformed:

Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handles the seasons of my life?

I don't know.

Well I've been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you.

Well time makes us bolder and children get older and I'm getting older to.

Down in the Valley of Dichotomy

I found this little post from an old journal entry when I recovered my laptop this month:  "And I love how every spring I somehow rediscover who I am- like all of the layers from the winter are slowly being peeled off to reveal this fresh, new person.  I seem to find my roots again and remember that I should always follow my bliss, no matter where it leads me."

I wrote this back in 2005, when I was 20.  And it still rings true to this day.  Spring has always stirred up long-dormant feelings that are covered by layers of detritus during the winter months.  I become restless and anxious and have this never-ending feeling to flee.  Spring also reconnects me with mother earth and brings sunlight back into my life.  But going through this rebirthing process year after year gets exhausting.  My soul feels ripped between the choice of taking off in the wind like the snowbird I am or rooting myself into my life like a willow tree.  Generally the rooting wins, especially during the past 5 years.  As always, I'm find myself stuck between a dichotomy: run away or be super rooted.  And again, I have to make myself walk the middle path for my own health and sanity.  This is the most important lesson of my entire life- how find balance between my moods, my feelings, my pushes and my pulls, my ebbs and flows.  I'm so colored by my feelings that finding clarity can be quite difficult and the middle path often evades me.  I never want to minimize my feelings- just temper the intensity of them.  As the years pass, I learn how to do this better and better and I become more balanced.  Time and self-reflection are the best therapists.

One attribute that has carried me through my life is that I have always known what I want and have always worked hard at getting it- not in an abusive, exploitative way (at least I hope not).  Once my mind is set on a goal, I'm not easily swayed off course.  This can be dangerous for me, considering some of my exploits have been less than healthy in the past.  But once my internal compass arrow is pointed in a direction, I bushwhack my path to the top of the mountain.  And I've come to realize that some of the darkest points in my life have been when I don't have a mountain to climb and I get lost in the valleys.  So I find myself in an eternal pursuit of mountains to climb.  Is this sustainable?  Who knows.  Maybe it is an uncompromising part of my makeup- to always have a project in my life.