I found this little post from an old journal entry when I recovered my laptop this month: "And I love how every spring I somehow rediscover who I am- like all of the layers from the winter are slowly being peeled off to reveal this fresh, new person. I seem to find my roots again and remember that I should always follow my bliss, no matter where it leads me."
I wrote this back in 2005, when I was 20. And it still rings true to this day. Spring has always stirred up long-dormant feelings that are covered by layers of detritus during the winter months. I become restless and anxious and have this never-ending feeling to flee. Spring also reconnects me with mother earth and brings sunlight back into my life. But going through this rebirthing process year after year gets exhausting. My soul feels ripped between the choice of taking off in the wind like the snowbird I am or rooting myself into my life like a willow tree. Generally the rooting wins, especially during the past 5 years. As always, I'm find myself stuck between a dichotomy: run away or be super rooted. And again, I have to make myself walk the middle path for my own health and sanity. This is the most important lesson of my entire life- how find balance between my moods, my feelings, my pushes and my pulls, my ebbs and flows. I'm so colored by my feelings that finding clarity can be quite difficult and the middle path often evades me. I never want to minimize my feelings- just temper the intensity of them. As the years pass, I learn how to do this better and better and I become more balanced. Time and self-reflection are the best therapists.
One attribute that has carried me through my life is that I have always known what I want and have always worked hard at getting it- not in an abusive, exploitative way (at least I hope not). Once my mind is set on a goal, I'm not easily swayed off course. This can be dangerous for me, considering some of my exploits have been less than healthy in the past. But once my internal compass arrow is pointed in a direction, I bushwhack my path to the top of the mountain. And I've come to realize that some of the darkest points in my life have been when I don't have a mountain to climb and I get lost in the valleys. So I find myself in an eternal pursuit of mountains to climb. Is this sustainable? Who knows. Maybe it is an uncompromising part of my makeup- to always have a project in my life.
